Since I’ve Been Gone… – Cordelia Calls It Quits

I hit “publish” on the final put up on this weblog in December, however the occasions that led to my year-long hiatus occurred proper round this time in 2015.

It took me three months to soak up them adequately sufficient to put in writing a cryptic put up telling you I didn’t know methods to inform you about them.

It took until now to deliver me thus far, the place the phrases have returned and I do know what I wish to say with them.

My official “what occurred over this previous yr and what’s up subsequent” put up remains to be within the works, and can possible be roughly a bajillion phrases lengthy if I ever determine to publish it. (I could reference issues in future posts reasonably than spend a bajillion phrases wallowing in the entire thing en masse.)

However to get you up to the mark, right here’s the CliffsNotes model:


What Occurred Over the Previous 12 months

  • My husband’s incapacity software hit the two.5 yr mark, across the identical time our financial savings hit the zero mark and the debt I’d labored so exhausting to remove years earlier reached the “ridiculous” mark.
  • I returned to the 9-to-5 — the precise exact 9-to-5, all the way down to the identical effing employer and the identical effing desk, I had escaped so jubilantly in 2013, as a result of I assumed that was what we wanted.
  • I hated who I discovered myself changing into.
  • I finished writing, right here and altogether, as a result of there was no “me” anymore to put in writing by — or no less than not any form of me I wished to consider or acknowledge.
  • I discovered one other 9-to-5, one which on paper had all the pieces a 9-to-5 must to ensure that me to have the ability to settle for it like each “regular” grownup was supposed to have the ability to do.
  • I used to be nonetheless somebody I hated, solely now with the addition of traits like sobbing uncontrollably at inconvenient moments similar to 1) within the bathe the place my husband couldn’t hear me, 2) behind my closed new non-public workplace door on my lunch break, and three) each time I used to be awake.
  • My marriage began to crack.
  • I began to crack — or, reasonably, to lastly admit I’d been cracking, unhealthy, since I gave up my freelance enterprise, and it was solely getting badder by the day.
  • Our funds have been nonetheless within the gutter and I noticed I’d sacrificed all the pieces I ever cared about or believed in for principally unfavorable progress.
  • I texted Disaster Providers one evening. After they requested me if I ever had ideas of suicide, I responded, “I don’t wish to die; I simply don’t wish to stay anymore.” I assumed on the time this made a distinction.
  • One Monday morning, I unceremoniously Broke The Fuck Down. My husband referred to as my loopy physician. I used to be in his workplace inside the hour receiving a short-term incapacity word for my employer and questioning in a numbly indifferent form of manner if that meant I may lastly spend the remainder of my life underneath the covers, which was all I actually wished from existence at that time.
  • We realized we wanted to promote our home. We subsequently realized the one place we may presently afford to go was my husband’s mother and father’ home whereas we regrouped and restrategized.
  • I misplaced my job. I nonetheless had 2-Three months of restoration earlier than I may take into account working once more, in keeping with my loopy physician and my intestine.
  • I used to be oddly OK with this and with my newfound lack of any future past the quick. This started to inform me one thing.
  • I did a fuck-ton of resting, and therapeutic, and pondering, which remains to be an ongoing course of however now I really feel a bit of of myself coming again slowly, and now I can write once more and have a number of issues I wish to share with you.

So right here we’re.


What’s Up Subsequent

  • I’m beginning over. With this weblog. With my life. With my freelancing. With a second, new weblog this previous yr has made me understand I have to create.
  • The remainder is but to be found, however I’d be supes completely satisfied in the event you’d come alongside for the trip. As a result of I believe we had one thing fairly superior happening right here, and if this previous shitstorm of a yr has taught me something, it’s that I used to be a rattling idiot to desert it.

Let’s do that factor,

I missed the shit out of you guys.

Picture:  Mr. Connor / Flickr

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